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From this day forth:

Special thanks to turnitintolove for the rent colorbars! (if that's not okay, just tell me)

So because yesterday was so good with Pie and all, today had to be crappy. That's the routine, I know.

1. Swimming.
2. Weeeelll..
3. I come home to find someone stole my icon on livejournal with no credit or permission. That makes me very unhappy.
4. I must be PMSY. I just have to be.
5. Uh, to be vague: I don't have any idea about anything anymore.
6. School sucks.
7. I'm moody.
8. You can call me a bitch. I know you're dying to.

her sorrow won't subside,
Kayla

Okay, today was great.

First of all, let me say that today was none other than the notorious PI DAY! Whoot!
So best of all, I had the splendid oppertunity to eat pie twice in a row today in two different periods. I never ever thought I would enjoy celebrating math so much. Unfortunately, I still feel like I'm about to explode. That's too much pie at once, in case you all were wondering -- Sure, it sounds sweet, but let me tell you, it doesn't take long before it all catches up with you. Now I'm in serious need of some Yoga and Pilates.

I also had VERY good news today as well, so that + the pie = extreme happiness. I couldn't stop smiling all third period.
(Nice, I'm speaking in equations too .. it's the pie's fault - it messes with your head.)

In other news:
Qualifying for State Forensics was this past Friday and I got 4th overall, so I'm not going to states. It's not that big of a deal though because I honestly didn't want to. I'll work towards that next year. This year I just want to concentrate on what's essential. I know that would better a résumé, but oh well. It's not that big of a deal. The judges are so contradicting too, it's almost not worth it. I don't know .. at least I can say that I've finally put an end on Pygmalion. Good.

I'm really full.

What a way to spend a day,
Kayla

Dance the night away by karchan85
Name
What you Look like
The Music	Blues
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Haha, I find it extremely amusing. I used to be a Sailor Moon fan, but with staying true to the memegen, I definitely don't have blonde hair, blue eyes or my hair pulled up in meatballs.

It's really funny how the good days never out-weigh the bad ones.

Okay, I honestly think I had the BEST day I've had in a long, long time. Who honestly knew that I would enjoy a forensics meet? I actually engaged in REAL, heartfelt conversations today which lasted for more than two minutes. The entire day was a heart-to-heart conversation generally about my future. That is ALL I can think about anymore. I think it's an unhealthy obsession. Honestly.

So I broke today at District forensics! Semi-finals! Yay! It's nice to say that I was only in school for one day this week. Very, very nice. Thought, semi-finals will be more work, yes .. but hey, at least I already did the dirty work. (Memorizing it) This is the fun part, for the most part. I just don't like going first or last because then I have to work extra hard to get in that forensics mood. I love Pygmalion and Eliza Doolittle. That's all I can say. I really really enjoy my piece so obviously that helps. Now to find monologues that I enjoy.

I need to say that I truly love Laura Busony and Kayla Washko. They made my day today. I think it's the first I've had a real conversation with people, other than my mom, in months. Honestly. As sad as that is, it's true. I also really missed the both of them -- immensely.

I think I should be laughing yet I forget,
forget how to begin,
I'm feeling something in side and yet I still can't decide
If I should hide or make a wide open grin

Kayla

Like the layout? I'm loving it. That's some Idina lovin' right there.

So today, while snowed in, I indulged in solitude -- and I loved it. Every single ounce of it. Even though I started to .. well, procrastinate again. It was so nice to just be alone and lazy.

I need some deep philosophy thrown my way.

Anybody?

someone spiked this rain with a little extra juice,
Kayla

I am slowly deteriorating. I go from one extremity to the next. One problem gradually overlapping the other. My priorities are undoubtedly where they ought to be, but they aren't holding up next to where my morals say they ought to be. It's like friends, what friends? It's practically like I don't exist anymore because I'm entirely too caught up in what I have to do. I hate it. Today, I got chewed out for not helping out mom enough but seriously, when do I really have the time? She expects me to do things for her, without her asking me, and for me to do them happily. With a smile on my face, otherwords. Like I want to scrub the toliet, ya know. But honestly, what do I do when I wear a smile on my face? I don't even know anymore. That's terrible. I enjoy nothing or so it seems. I'm always caught up in the next thought of where I need to be or what I need to do. This year has been an emotional roller coaster. I've had my fair share of ups and downs -- mainly downs -- and I'm so worn out by it. It's like I can't hang on anymore. Last week when I had all that time, I still wasn't at peace because I was in pain. I don't know what to do with myself. I've had no choice but to take in each day one at a time, otherwise I'd be left no other outlit than to enter into insanity. Seriously.

I'm not just complaining, I swear. I'm just trying to vent. I'm not being rude if I don't pay attention a lot .. it's one of those preoccupied in thought type deals all over again, honestly. Damnit, I shouldn't have to apologize in my own journal. Nevermind that.

Again - this year is just one giant "I've bit off more than I can chew" year. You'd think I must have thought I was starving when I agreed to do all that I've done. I need some private time. I need to recollect my thoughts, sit in some deep reverie, and find myself again. I can't even tell who I am anymore, or at least it's not the person I was this summer.

"BANG - you're dead, what can you do?"

Emerald City's gone to hell,
Kayla

I want a nice white, brightly colored Idina layout. I guess I'm going to have to get on that. It'll come.

For some reason, I've been really depressed today. Now that the majority of my activites are over, I seriously have no life. I need to call people or something to hang out. Honestly .. it's sad. All I did this weekend was watch tv, sit on the computer and eat. That's PAthetic. I'm half ashamed to admit to it, but it's the truth. The only other thing I did this weekend was singing in church and OYW practice, which I'm currently weary about. I don't have any idea how that's going to happen. I should have called Steph Mosley. Bottom line. We need to hang out, seriously.

. . . I don't know what to do with myself. I should indulge in some reading. What a miserable day. :(

I need to try to get a hold of a certain someone, I just never seem to run into them. Bah. Jump on the oppertunity when you can I guess.

if I showed you the other side, would you follow me?
Kayla

This just in:

My face feels better :)

This just in:
MY FACE HURTS MY FACE HURTS MY FACE HURTS!

Okay, so as most of you know, I got my wisdom teeth taken out last Friday. Saturday I was beginning to feel better and then yesterday, Sunday, I swelled up really bad, was in a lot of pain, had a hard time sleeping, and was having even more difficulty with the left side of my jaw. So I didn't go to school today, obviously, we called the Doctor's and I went in for an appointment at 1:30. It turns out I have this blood clot type thing on my bottom left jaw. The Dr went in and "broke" so it would release the blood and he doesn't think it's infected but I need to still be watching it. He said I should be feeling better by tomorrow, but so far I don't feel much of a change at all. These painkillers make me so dizzy. At least I'm not throwing up with them anymore though .. I did a lot of that the first day. I don't know what to do about school. I have a lot of homework that everytime I sit down to do I get dizzy and end up putting it off, and today I already missed the first day for PSSA's.. I don't know if I'm going to feel up to it tomorrow. Mr. Lutz was a jerk and wrote on my homework sheet: "Don't be a wimp and miss the PSSA's!" -- Thanks, just what I needed to hear. You think I want to stay home and feel like crap? Oh yeah, this is totally my idea of fun. To top it all, everyone knows how much I love to eat and I really can't do a lot of eating. I can't chew very well. Stay home, pig out might be fun but I can't even do that.

I honestly don't get it though. The right half of my jaw is fine! It barely hurts anymore, but the left one is extremely swollen and it hurts to even touch that side of my face. If my left one felt like my right one does, I would have been in school today. But no. It had to get this blood clot.

Alright, I'm still feeling super dizzy so I'm going to go try to take a nap or something and finish this crapload of homework they've piled onto my shoulders.

Some Valentine's Day. I can't even eat my candy. :(

tell me you love me,
Kayla

Company

I'll remember you too clearly
But I'll survive another day
Conversations to share
When there's no one there
I'll imagine what you'd say

I'll see you in another life now, baby
I'll free you in my dreams
But when I reach across the galaxy
I will miss your company

Company
I'll be looking for company
Look and listen
Through the years
Someday you may hear me
Still crying for company

So now you're going off to live your life
You say we'll meet each other now and then
But we'll never be the same
And I know I'll never have this chance again
No, not like you

So, I'll see you in another life now baby,
I'll free you in my dreams
But when I reach across the galaxy
I will miss your company

Company
I'll be looking for company
Look and listen
Through the years
Someday you will hear me
Still crying for company
Still crying
I'll be crying
I'm crying for company
Crying for company
I'm still looking for company
----
^ sums it up.
I never write in here anymore. Life's tough and I'm feeling lazy. Um .. district chorus? I'm still not sure how I felt about it. It literally wiped me out physically though. I still don't think I'm back to 100%. But I think I was getting sick anyway.

My post is a song and a jumble of fragments. I need to work on this. It's that damn PSSA gomyaccess stuff messing with my head again. I think I'm burnt out when it comes to real writing. Mrs. Hostetler, I think I forgot what it is to write -- HELP.

Bathtime. Ciao.

Kayla

Wow, I HAVE no life. Alright that's not true, I'm just extremely lazy sometimes. I should really be finishing my humanities paper right about now but I'm uninspired and I keep refreshing the SB forum instead. I've been doing this for about two hours. At least there's always something new to read. Umm.. yes so.

I've decided that I need to get much much more deticated to my future, and so I'm starting that now. So far, there is OYW which is a major bonus for my college application. Let's hope I do good. I actually got my gown the other night. It's BEAUTIFUL. I absolutely adore it. Buuut, I digress, I need to get my nose into the district chorus music -- studing music looks good, and in all honesty I love it, so. I just need to do all the research I can. And I think getting help in math for the SATS and PSSAs is really going to help me too. I have to start now, I have to work towards my goal. This is all I want. Okay, I had this whole plan that this would come out really eloquent and inspirational .. but, yeah, that definitely didn't happen. Maybe next time.

Hey, as an update from the last post, I got first at that forensics meet and I also pulled all my grades up so I have straight A's. Whoot, whoot. Who knows why I got first at forensics .. I just do a crazy dirty english accent, but people seem to enjoy it. Yay Eliza Dolittle.

I have that angsty teenager "I don't give a shit" feel about me today. I'm not sure why.

Kayla

I haven't really wrote in here for a while, so it's time .. though it will be brief as I only have ten minutes.

I've decided that I'm becoming quite the procrastinator. I sit here and feed my obsession and put off everything else. That research paper is going to kick my ass, I can just feel it. It's definitely Saturday's project. Last minute, I crammed all this week for my forensics meet tomorrow night. Yay for improv. I have the feeling I'll be relying on it. That and the fact that I haven't even wrote an intro let alone memorized it. I'm shooting for less than a minute if I can help it. The piece speaks for itself. Wish me luck.

SO, in two of my classes I have 92% and one 91% and I'll bet ten dollars to any of them that my teacher's aren't kind enough to bump me up that one point. Everything else is an A. Let's just pray about that one.

Umm.. what else.
Sunday is Idina's last day and I won't be there. I think I may go into mourning, for good. Yep.

Don't know how to tell a joke without putting my foot in my mouth,
Kayla

This has been an unbelievable week. And that, somehow, is an understatement. I had my very first Wicked experience this Monday and was completely floored as I expected to be.. but the rest as well as pictures, are under the cut. :)

( One Short Day In New York City .. literally )

NYC in TWO days. I don't think the reality of it has sunk in yet. I'm too caught up in my completely untraditional Christmas. So my sister and her husband came in on Tuesday from Texas (she's really more like my step sister, we're not blood related) and I'm a little bummed out. They treat me like I'm ten years old around here because that's about how old I was when she spent her last Christmas here. It's completely ridiculous. Also, she's so nosey! She's into EVERYTHING. All my gifts, my room, the kitchen, bathroom .. the list goes on and on. I'm so irritated. This morning I woke up and tried to get in the bathroom to pee and like the last four days, I haven't been able to get in the bathroom. I can't stand that. Then she gets a shower and all dressed up BEFORE we open gifts. Who ever does that? We never do. She follows me everywhere too. When I want to be alone or when I want to talk to my mom alone, boom -- she's there. Dad's been treating me like crap too now that she's here. Surprise surprise. (Note the sarcasm) I'm not really pleased. I mean I got some awesome stuff for Christmas and all, it's just that now I've set my ways and she's sort of cramping my style. To add to it, I'm a little pmsy and I have a sore throat. Not a pretty combination.

I cannot WAIT until we go to NYC. I need to get away from this place. We're leaving for Lancaster tomorrow morning so at least I'll be getting out of here a little earlier. Ugh, please excuse my ranting.

Wicked in TWO days. I've been waiting for this day since August. My Gram gave me a nice sum of money for the trip so you can bet I'll be buying some Wicked Merchandise. Whoo, hoo.
Maybe I should start packing? I have a feeling that will get me in a light-hearted mood and hit me with some reality.

Holding onto that last glimpse of hope,
Kayla

Today was probably the best day I've had in a long long while.

Well, the chorus concert was a drag, but it was a decent way to start the morning.

Before that, exchanging gifts was a fun time as always. I love my friends, I do.

First period, Kalita and I had a blast writing a story about Bert & Ernie's love for Suzie Snowflake and the Ninja Turtle Gestopo who was banning Christmas movies for King Tut's ultimate law in his empire of London. Yep, you heard right. :) That was TOO much fun.

3rd period I recieved Reindeer Poop and wore Kelsie Dickert's elf hat.

4th period was an ABSOLUTE blast. Mos, I love french class I really do. Schweitz-dawg was in a real good mood today too. She's such a different person when she talks to us in french. It's actually really really amusing. I pretty much laughed the entire time. This is also when I lost the elf hat though. She took it back.

5th period was fun too. I hung out with the ever amazing Ashley Strazisar and did the conga around the library. Lunch was fun too -- stealing Lutz's DVD. I wonder if he got that back ...
Then we got to go hoooomeee... EXCEPT! I didn't. I went out to eat with Maggie and Lisa at Off The Rak. Good times, good times. Well besides the fact that we had a struggle with the photo development center at Wal*Mart. That woman was a bitch.
I also enjoyed "Win A Date With Tad Hamilton" and that guy's blue shirt.

Then I came home, learned part of my song for Christmas Eve, ate supper and sat down to listen to Rilo Kiley. The first of the three cds I must hear before the night is over.

Ahhh .. definitely a great day.

5 days till WICKED!

Keep the wind to your back and the sun on your face,
Kayla

Well I haven't wrote a thing in here since November 18th and that huge splurg. Let's hope this one causes as less chaos as possible.

Here's a quick recap:
-December 11th, 12th, & 13th we performed "The Music Man".
Which overall went well. It just wasn't as satisfying as I thought it would be.

-December 13th a very eventful after cast party party.

-December 17th a night with the wonderful Steph Mosley.
Slaved away (hah, right) brainstorming for the francais decor.

-December 18th was the formal with the ever lovely Tim Orr.
Good times. He's such a sweetheart.

-December 20 marks the date Mos and I created a french masterpiece on Schweitzer's board.
(Whoot, moving on up the favor scale) I may have to post pictures of this extraordinary event.

-December 21st [today] my sister and her husband flew in from Texas for Christmas.

As of now,
1/2 day of school left
4 days till Christmas
6 days till the happiest day of my year aka seeing WICKED in NYC.
8 days till seeing Oklahoma with musical theatre crew.

I'm ESTATIC to be seeing Wicked. To be in NYC alone is enough.

I couldn't be happier,
Kayla

Something's dreadfully wrong and I wish I knew how to fix it all. I don't know what's the matter with me. I'm always melancholy about something and extremely fatigued when I get home after rehearsals but it's not like I do much, so I have no reason to be so tired. And frusterated! Don't even get me started there. I can't tolerate much of anything anymore and everything I do is unintentional and no doubt comes off the wrong way. I feel like I have no reason to get up in the mornings and that I've just been going through the motions for so long. I find little enjoyment in my days and I'm not sure how to change that. Plus I don't feel like I can truly be myself anymore around anyone so I've basically just resided to sitting there and saying nothing, having absolutely no fun nor enjoying my days. I wish I wasn't so stressed all of the time, like I could concentrate on one thing at a time and improve that as much as possible. I'm tired of being a constant worrier. I'm so tired of how everything that use to work for me, doesn't anymore. I'm tired of concealing myself just because people think it odd when I actually do show my true colors. I'm tired of trying anymore.

No one will understand.

clip these wings,
Kayla